Sometimes I Date Slow, Sometimes I Date Quick...

Before I sat down to write, I was thinking this was going to be all about how slow sometimes things move in the early stages of dating, and how grateful I am for this slowness even though it’s kind of annoying.  But the truth is it has been a little over a week since my last post and I’ve seen This Guy twice, so I guess things aren’t actually going that slow.  Perhaps I’m used to warp speed  (followed either by crash and burn or by instant relationship) so maybe this – seeing each other once a week – is “normal.”  Maybe getting to know someone by talking to them instead of getting to know the inside of their mouth through a booze fueled make-out session is the way to go.  Maybe going back to your respective apartments alone after a goodnight kiss rather than awkwardly having to say “um, I have an early meeting, but I guess you can sleep over if you want” is a perfect way to test out if you actually want to see someone again, and to find out if they want to see you again. 

Here are the annoying parts about going slow.  The time between dates – even if only a few days – can feel like a century.   Because I am a woman and even my best efforts sometimes result in a pit stop in crazy town, a few days of slow dating can result in a downward spiral of overthinking… “Do I still like him… does he still like me… is he dating other people… is it ok that I don’t want to date other people… kissing is nice but what if I want a tiny bit more, what should I do, what should I DO!!!?”

And here are the good parts about going slow.  I haven’t made any decisions so far that I regret.  While it may be hard to wait for stuff to happen, I have not left any date with This Guy having done anything I wasn’t 100% comfortable with.  Letting things happen slowly also allows for anticipation to build.  I get really excited about dates with This Guy.  We flirt and it’s fun.  I walk away from each date wanting just a little bit more, and wondering what will happen on the next date.  And – surprise, surprise – through all the talking, I actually know stuff about This Guy.  I know what some of his family traditions are, I know his middle name, I know what his dream job is, and I know some of the things he’s scared of. 

I do however think there needs to be a point when the slow dating picks up speed, once a week for a long period of time isn’t going to cut it for what I’m looking for out of a relationship right now.  I am also scared that slow dating has the potential to be a sure-fire road to the friend zone.  But because I can still count the number of dates with This Guy on one hand, I don’t think it’s wise to make that call just yet.

I hadn’t even realized this until just now, but my discomfort with slow dating may in fact be leftover garbage from my recent long-term relationship.  I’m used to having someone there all the time to call, not really thinking about what my weekend is going to look like, and not worrying about what kind of naked party would or would not be happening.  And this part of dating – this slow dating - is definitely throwing me off my game a little!  Just enjoying the dating ride is honestly something I thought I would be better at, or at least more prepared for.  But hey, going on dates, feeling that sense of anticipation, making out (which seems to disappear when dating turns into a relationship, am I wrong?), and most importantly having no regrets is something I can definitely be down with for a little while longer.  I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to move into the fast lane – either with This Guy or with someone else – but for now, This Dater is setting the cruise control to slow and steady. 

Take That, 35!

Guess what has been happening in This Dater’s Life lately?  No dates!  But lots of life.  First things first, I turned my scary age, 35.  And no, I didn’t wake up with forty thousand new wrinkles and my reproductive organs did not fall out.  I spent the weekend with my mom in my “happy place” – a beautiful hotel in upstate New York.  I also coincidentally spent my 34^th birthday in this same place… alone – unless you count alcohol and chocolate cake as guests.  Having a birthday usually comes with a little reflection and to be perfectly honest, 34 was a pretty crappy year.  There was unhappiness in my job, in my relationship, were I was living, and just about everything else in my life.  And self-medicating through various addictions was my way of coping. 

The last few months of 34 started my healing process, but to me there is something about a birthday that makes things more official.  I feel so much happier and optimistic today – at 35 – than I have felt in years.  35 no longer feels like my scary age, it just feels like MY age.  And damn it, 35 is going to be MY year.  It’s not that I think 35 is the year I’m going to find true love, get my dream job, or fulfill all my hopes and dreams.  What I mean is that 35 is the year I’m in the driver's seat, I get to make decisions that contribute to my happiness, and say no to things that don’t.  And if there happens to be career success or love along the way, well that’s just great.      

So what does This Dater do when not dating?  I live!  This week I re-joined a book club after a few month hiatus.  I was hesitant about returning because – while all of the women I had met previously are wonderful – the book club was more about wine than discussing a book.  Once again I learned that I can participate in social situations where drinking is a presumed natural activity and not drink.  And once again I learned that no one seems to care or even notice.  When I think about it logically, if the situation were reversed and I was in a group where someone said, “oh no thanks, I’ll just have club soda,” I would probably be like, “cool, whatever,” and not like, “OMG what is wrong with you!  Don’t you like to have fun?  Are you an alcoholic!!!???”

The other thing I did this weekend had nothing to do with tempting situations, but did produce some pre-activity anxiety.  A few weeks ago I signed up for a volunteer organization called New York Cares, which is a platform for bringing together hundreds of different types of activities all around the city.  My first activity was yesterday – helping Autistic kids with arts and crafts.  I have no experience with Autism, so I wasn’t sure what to expect and I was nervous.  These kids were more amazing and inspiring than I could have ever been prepared for.  It’s true what they say about volunteering – you often walk away having received far more than you’ve actually given. 

Wondering what’s on the agenda for This Dater this week?  Me too!  Another volunteer activity on Wednesday, this time helping women that live in a shelter do some beadwork and jewelry making.  And Friday night is foreign film night with book club women.  Other than that, maybe a spin class?  Maybe some yoga?  Who knows.  But what I do know – I’m 35, this is MY year, and I get to do what I want!  

My Journey Back From The Crazy.

A few facts:  I’m a woman; women sometimes act crazy; I went a little crazy.  Luckily I had my super awesome friend and the help of her super awesome new husband to talk me down from the crazy ledge.  We were talking about my last post (rant is more accurate) about the plan-ahead gene that seems to be missing from the male population at large.  She said, “I totally agree with you.”  Her husband said, “Maybe you’re putting a little too much thought into this.”  Interesting.  Turns out men do indeed know men best, and literally while this conversation with them was taking place, I got a text message from This Guy asking about our date for the evening.  The date was semi-planned on Sunday (i.e. “yeah, Wednesday sounds good!”) but because of the lack of time and place specifics, I was left scratching my head – are we going out or aren’t we?  If I venture into the scary land of male brain for a second, I’m guessing here is what he was thinking: “We agreed on Sunday that we were going out on Wednesday.  Now it’s Wednesday, I should probably figure out when and where and let her know.” 

So – Wednesday night was the first official date with This Guy, where both of us knew it was a date.  I noticed myself putting more thought into getting ready because 1) I like This Guy and 2) I knew for sure it was a date.  Side note, getting ready for dates is fun – picking out an outfit, putting on a little extra makeup and making sure my hair looks just right usually results in a little boost of confidence, which has the added benefit of calming my nerves just enough.  Add in the fact that it’s finally spring in New York and I no longer have to wear puffy coats and snow boots, and I usually walk into a date feeling like a champ. 

We met for dinner and just like the non-date/half-date, conversation was relaxed, easy, and full of laughter.  This Guy really makes me laugh, and I make him laugh too.  He’s just such a happy and positive guy, it’s different than what I’ve known in the past. I asked him if there was anything that made him mad – bullying was his answer.  Agreed – ain’t nobody got time for bullies.  Because I’ve know This Guy for a few months, conversation feels a little more in depth than what an average first date may include.  Past loves, family relationships, what we want for the future – it felt like nothing was off the table.

We ended the official first date in the same way the non-date/half-date ended, with a lovely little kiss - no homeless man serenade this time though.  Another thing I like about This Guy, he texts to make sure I get home safely.  Aw, sweet right?  I am pretty sure there will be an official second date with This Guy, but I’m going to do my best to make sure my last trip to crazy town was a one time thing, and give this whole process less thought in general (thanks super awesome friend’s husband!).  Oh, and speaking of what happens when you aren't stuck in your fog of crazy, News Guy and I have been in communication as well - we have tentative plans for next week (which I am actively not obsessing about, as of right now).  This Dater's Mama comes for a visit today, so no dates on the calendar for an entire week and plenty of time to not think about dating!   

The Mysteriously Vanishing Second Date.

I knew it was coming… dating isn’t all hearts and butterflies and giggly conversation.  It can be down right annoying.  I’m doing my best to let go of control, but I don’t understand why men have such a hard time planning ahead.  Or is that a sign that the people I’m interested in dating just “aren’t that into me” and some men actually do plan ahead?  They say they want to go out again, they text the next day saying “let’s go out again,” but then they don’t make plans to actually go out again.  What gives, dudes?  This isn’t just a one-man phenomenon, it happens nearly every time for me with every single date.  I guess if it happens again and again, then it’s really time to look at my behavior.  Perhaps I’m sending off some kind of “I say I want to go out with you again but I really don’t so don’t bother asking” signal. 

Here is my sure-fire-swoon-worthy dating advice to men everywhere.  If you like a girl, plan a second date!!  Like actually plan one, with a time and a place and say “does that work for you?”  “Ok, great, I’ll see you there then,” and then the day before, “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” and then the day of you can even say “(silly anecdote about your day) and I’m excited to tell you about it in a few hours.”  For real, tell me, please, someone tell me, am I asking too much?  Is this just not the way it works anymore?  Am I supposed to be ok with this now that I’m in my thirties?  But what if I want a man who looks at his calendar on Monday and says “Oh goody, I’m free on Thursday night and I would love to take that awesome gal out on a date to my favorite spot.  Let me call her now and see if she’s free.” 

As of right now, I’m disappointed with both News Guy and This Guy.  And The Midwesterner, well, haven’t heard a peep out of him since date one.  UGH.  This Dater's Tuesday night is for the birds! 

About That Greener Grass...

This weekend was all about what happens in life after dating.  This Dater headed to Austin to celebrate a bunch of things with a bunch of friends – a baby shower for one good friend and a wedding for another good friend.  I have known both of these amazing women for a few years now and have seen them each go through ups and downs with relationships and life in general and, I have to say, it just feels nice to see the people you love so happy.  And these gals were happy gals.

In the past (eh-hem, even very recent past) a weekend like this would have been a swirl of “I’m so happy for them but I’m so sad for me and woe is me and when is it MY turn.”  But I am pleased to report that this one was more “I’m SO happy for them, and happy for me too because not only do I have them in my life as super awesome lady friends, I’ll get to share my celebratory life moments with them someday!”  It was sort of cool to realize that it’s ok to be happy for people and it’s also ok to admit that you want a little of what they have – and wanting things for your life doesn’t have to mean you are sad and mopey about where your life is now.    

I will admit to a little green grass thinking – maybe it’s time for a move to the suburbs, maybe it’s time to buy a grown up house, maybe it’s time for a kitchen table… but when I got home today to my studio apartment I realized I am right where I need to be.  I get to travel to see great friends.  I get to cuddle other people’s babies and give them back when they start to cry.  I get to flirt at weddings and go home when I get tired.  I get to sleep sideways in my bed because there is no one else hogging it.  I get to do all of these things because right now I’m single.  And while I don’t want to be single forever, for right now it’s just fine.