Date UpDate

Sometimes I feel like I blink and months have disappeared.  That’s how the remainder of the summer went for This Dater.  July, August, and now September, gone.  There were lots of dates and there was lots of life.  The highlights:

Unstable on Purpose Dude – more stable than originally appeared.  We’ve been on a handful of dates (handful = more than 5, less than 10) over the last few months and I guess you can say he’s still in the picture.  My filter-free conversation with him continues; subjects have ranged from family to past relationships to politics to sex to therapy to hopes for the future.  I’ve come to appreciate this mutual honesty – even when I asked him if he was in relationship mode or casual fling mode.  Unstable on Purpose Dude is in a unique spot where he has the ultimate freedom of not being tied down by a regular schedule, and he travels a lot.  Like every other week.  While he’s not opposed to a relationship, he is scared of feeling resentful towards the person that takes away this potentially short-term freedom.  So that was a fun conversation.  I am going to see where it goes with Unstable, but have noticed myself pulling back a bit.  Can I let myself fall for someone who might pick up and leave at a moment’s notice?  And then last week he goes and sends flowers to my apartment.  What?

The Most Interesting Man in the World – less interesting than originally appeared.  I was infatuated pretty quickly with TMIMITW.  He was foreign, spoke many languages, and was a true gentleman.  He also sent flowers – after our first date.  Again, what?  Where are all these flower-giving men coming from?  Our dates probably add up to a handful and a half over the last couple of months.  While I was originally in awe (and even a little “am I interesting enough for him?”), the more time we spent together the more it was evident that we didn’t have that much in common.  While TMIMITW knows how to woo a lady, I often didn’t feel like myself around him.  Turns out This Dater likes a wee bit of wooing, but I also need a healthy dose of silliness and sweatpants – things that weren’t likely to happen with Interesting.  TMIMITW is also gone a lot so things sort of naturally came to an end, I think with both of us realizing it wasn’t a match. 

The Guy Who Doesn’t Want to be Written About – the end. 

This Dater – admittedly has been in a funk and is just now coming out of it.  I approached this whole “I’m single and 35 and DATING!” thing with a positive attitude, but honestly sometimes it really sucks.  Everyone around you says appropriately encouraging things like “You’ll find the right one soon!” and “Lucky you, it must be so much fun!” but there are times when it’s not fun and This Dater wants to kick encouragers in the shin.  Not really… but kind of.  Going to a wedding where you are literally the only single person on the party bus sucks.  Third (or fifth, or seventh) wheeling to things with your coupled up friends sucks.  Having your parents – who have never before put pressure on you to settle down – say those same appropriately encouraging things sucks.  Seeing everyone around you have beautiful weddings and adorable babies and feeling excited for them but also like you are so far from it for yourself sucks.  Add in the fact that your usual coping skills for suckiness are no longer useful (i.e. getting wasted) and the thoughts of your ex that start to creep in (i.e. he wasn’t that bad) and the result is a super negative suck spiral that you didn’t even realize you were in.

This Dater was talking to her therapist recently and she gave it to me straight.  She gently reminded me that one of the things I struggle with is patience.  I was wanting to jump right to what I thought was the good part of a relationship; rolling over and seeing the person you love next to you in bed, knowing your Friday and Saturday nights won’t be spent alone, and wearing PJ pants while spending the day ordering takeout and reading together.  She said something encouraging, yet I didn’t want to kick her in the shin because it really made sense to me.  By wanting to fast forward to the “good parts,” I end up missing another category of “good parts.”  Getting to know someone new.  Getting to know myself better.  Flirting.  Butterflies and nerves.  First kisses.  FIRST KISSES!  Once I find my forever person, there won’t be any more first kisses.  I’m pretty sure I’ll eventually find my someone (yes, encouraging friends and family, I hear you), but why the heck am I rushing through all these other good parts? 

So summer is over and fall is here – it’s a new season for This Dater.  I’m rearranging my closet and rearranging my attitude.  Dusting off boots, layering up, and heading back out there looking for ALL the good parts.  I know there will probably be some more suck along the way, but that’s ok.  Slowing down and getting myself out of the funk is a lesson I didn’t expect to come out of this journey, but – dating or not – it’s probably a good life skill to have.