About That Greener Grass...

This weekend was all about what happens in life after dating.  This Dater headed to Austin to celebrate a bunch of things with a bunch of friends – a baby shower for one good friend and a wedding for another good friend.  I have known both of these amazing women for a few years now and have seen them each go through ups and downs with relationships and life in general and, I have to say, it just feels nice to see the people you love so happy.  And these gals were happy gals.

In the past (eh-hem, even very recent past) a weekend like this would have been a swirl of “I’m so happy for them but I’m so sad for me and woe is me and when is it MY turn.”  But I am pleased to report that this one was more “I’m SO happy for them, and happy for me too because not only do I have them in my life as super awesome lady friends, I’ll get to share my celebratory life moments with them someday!”  It was sort of cool to realize that it’s ok to be happy for people and it’s also ok to admit that you want a little of what they have – and wanting things for your life doesn’t have to mean you are sad and mopey about where your life is now.    

I will admit to a little green grass thinking – maybe it’s time for a move to the suburbs, maybe it’s time to buy a grown up house, maybe it’s time for a kitchen table… but when I got home today to my studio apartment I realized I am right where I need to be.  I get to travel to see great friends.  I get to cuddle other people’s babies and give them back when they start to cry.  I get to flirt at weddings and go home when I get tired.  I get to sleep sideways in my bed because there is no one else hogging it.  I get to do all of these things because right now I’m single.  And while I don’t want to be single forever, for right now it’s just fine.   

Date, Non-Date, or Half-Date?

What do you do when you have a really really great first date?  I can’t stop thinking about it – but not in an obsessive, I hope I did everything right way.  I can’t stop thinking about it because it was so good, and I want to go back and be in those moments again.  I met This Guy a few months ago, and we started talking as friends.  We went out to lunch once.  We texted.  He asked me out via text.  And my reply was “no,” – I told him asking a woman out via text was no way to treat a lady, but in truth I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to go on a date with him.

I met This Guy for dinner last night, not knowing if it was a date or not.  Because we know each other a little already, there was some teasing about the date/non-date issue, and we agreed it could be our first half-date.  This Guy admitted to having a crush on me for months, and I admitted the same about him.  When was the last time I had a crush?  A butterflies in the stomach, smile when I think about him, I wonder what he’s doing right now kind of crush?  It certainly has been a while.  Dating and crushing don’t always go together as I am learning, but man it’s good when they do. 

So here’s what I like about This Guy:  he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s ambitious and excited about all of the crazy new business ideas in his head, he’s a MAN (not sure how else to describe this quality – slightly older, confident, looks like he would protect you against unwanted advances from other men and bears in the woods), he’s charming, and he compliments me.  ME!?!  It feels silly to write, but it’s nice to hear a man tell you he thinks you are beautiful, especially when you don’t necessarily feel it for yourself. 

We had dinner, and then we had dessert, and then we walked around even though it was getting kind of late - This Guy and I were both trying to find excuses not to go home on a Wednesday night.  We finally decided to call it, but not before being serenaded on a street corner with a looooooong version of “My Girl” by a wandering (likely homeless) street performer.  Neither of us had any cash, so This Guy offered up his Metro Card.  Just before I got in a car to go home, we had the perfect date/non-date first kiss.   

When In Doubt, Go On The Date.

Last night I went on my first date with News Guy.  He was an online find, and to be honest I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the date.  Nothing to do with him, but it was a rainy New York Monday evening, and I felt more like putting on sweat pants back at my apartment than putting on the charm in a dimly lit bar.  News Guy works as a cameraman for a well-known TV network.  He had so many interesting stories about his work, and I felt a pang of jealousy hearing about his adventures with apartment dwelling tigers and subway cats.  I skipped the powerpoint and excel stories from my job and instead went with the story about the time my dad took me to a rolling stones concert when I was about 14 and there were two old ladies behind us smoking a joint.   

One awesome thing I learned on my date with News Guy is that you can indeed go to a bar in New York City, order a non-alcoholic beverage, and not be looked at like you have two heads.  Seriously, not one comment or question from him or the bartender.  Dating without drinking is definitely new territory for me, and so far I am finding that I am much more aware of it than anyone else is.  Which is a very good thing.  Not only am I a cheaper date, but my head is clear to make good decisions.  For the first time I’m able to focus on whether I like the guy, instead of worrying so much about if the guy likes me. 

I also learned the power of a sense of humor.  News Guy is one of the funniest guys I have talked to in a long time.  His delivery was so dry and sarcastic, there were times when I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or if he was joking – like when he told me about taking Karate lessons as a kid, and how the whole summer his old man teacher made him do chores like paint fences and wash cars and he was like “when am I going to learn Karate!” and then when he got in a fight, he realized the man had been teaching him all along!!  True story from childhood?  Or the plot to Karate Kid?  I really don’t know.  He was so funny that my cheeks hurt a little from laughing as I got in the car to go home.  I think I even said to my cab driver, “I just went on a first date, the guy was so funny!” to which the driver replied “Holland or Lincoln Tunnel, mam.” 

I really liked News Guy, and will go out with him again if the opportunity arises.  He was kind, cheek-achingly funny, and a gentleman – he opened my car door when it pulled up, kissed my cheek, and told me what a lovely evening he had before sending me on my way. 

And speaking of second dates, I haven’t heard from The Midwesterner.  One of the great things about dating in your thirties – the list of things I potentially did wrong on the date to make him not call is non-existent.  I haven’t spent hours glued to my phone, willing it to ring and double and triple checking that it’s working correctly.  Instead I chalk it up to good practice, and on to the next we go! 

Turkey Bacon is NOT Real Bacon.

Today was my first date with The Midwesterner.  I met him online, and was instantly attracted to his smile and what seemed like a “work hard, play hard” personality.  In person, I was surprised by his boyish charm.  I can’t tell if the “boyish” part is actually real or a subconscious thing because he is (gasp!) a younger man.  True, there is only a three year age difference, but I think I’m going through a super-sensitive-about-my-age phase that I hope passes quickly. 

Brunch consisted of pancakes and very easy conversation, where I learned that The Midwesterner works in finance like the rest of Manhattan, runs a lot of marathons, and prefers turkey bacon to actual bacon – a sentiment I do not share.  After brunch we decided to take advantage of what felt like the real first day of spring with a walk along the Hudson.  The easy conversation continued for about a mile with light banter about puppies, siblings living in far away places, and mini golf.  It wasn’t until the end of the date when we were crossing the street, waiting for the light to change, when I looked him square in the face and thought, “Hum, The Midwesterner is very cute and I would not mind at all if he kissed me right now.”  

The date ended with us on the same train platform, waiting for trains going in opposite directions.  Mine arrived first so there was a rushed hug, an awkward sort of cheek kiss thing and I managed to get out “We should do this again sometime” before I got on my train.  I wish I could remember what he said.  I can’t tell if the date ended more in the dreaded “friend zone” or not, but I would like to see The Midwesterner again.  Who knows if he’ll call, but I had a wonderful afternoon, delicious pancakes, and even got my first pair of sunkissed shoulders after what felt like a very long winter.       

And So It Begins...

Well, here I am, in a place I never imagined I would be – a few weeks shy of 35, and single.  Really single.  The past eight years included a seven-year relationship, and another year untangling and recovering from said relationship.  The process of ending the relationship was painful but powerful.  Learning who you are – and who you aren’t – is something I have a new respect for, and is something my 20-something self would have balked at.  My 20-something self, however, did love dating.  So I will try to channel her as I begin what feels like a scary, icky, and slightly annoying process all over again. 

Recently I was complaining to my good friend (who is about to get married, EVERYONE is about to get married), and she encouraged me to write about my dating experience this time around.  One of the things about good friends is that they often have good ideas to pull you out of your funk.  By writing about my process, there can be no such thing as a bad date, because even the bad dates will be good dates so long as I learn something from them.  So here it goes, This Dater's Life.