Do I Need A Filter?

Dating apps are fun.  It’s like playing a game – granted, a horribly shallow game where you decide if you want to talk to someone based solely on their looks at first… but in the world of dating, these apps aren’t actually that far from how it works in real life: you are cute, therefore I want to talk to you. 

I met the Unstable on Purpose Dude on one of these apps and, after a few messages over the course of a few days, said yes to a spontaneous “hey, meet me for a drink in an hour?” message.  During one short bar date followed a few days later by one slightly longer brunch date (yes that’s right, two-ish dates already with Unstable on Purpose Dude) I learned several things about him.  He was working for a super popular social networking company, but recently quit to do all the things he really wanted to do like travel the world, learn to sail, and become a master scuba diver.  I also learned one very important thing about myself – maybe I’m getting too good at speaking my mind with men and perhaps the pendulum has swung a little too far in the “I say whatever’s on my mind” direction. 

After knowing him for merely a few hours, here is what I said out loud to the Unstable on Purpose Dude: 

“I’m writing a blog about dating, so I’m probably going to write about you.” 

"I put ketchup on my eggs, does that gross you out?" 

“You are kind of the perfect guy, but you sort of seem unstable.” 

“Are you ever going to go back to work?”

 “Do you use a top-sheet?  I hate it when guys only use the bottom sheet – they come in a set for a reason!” 

To my credit, here are some of the questions I wanted to ask but didn’t:

“Do you have health insurance?”

“Did you have a near-death experience that caused the rapid-fire bucket list activity?”

“What are you looking for here? Because most chicks I know aren’t going to be cool with a dude that is only around half of the time.”

And the big one that I will never ask but am dying to know:

“How exactly are you funding all of this action packed, adventurous, spontaneous life living?”

Unstable on Purpose Dude is now bucket-listing on the West Coast for a few weeks (another unasked question “You have apartments on both coasts, how does that work?”) so who knows if I will ever see him again.  He is an interesting dude though and – if nothing else – has inspired This Dater to start doing some of the things I’ve been putting off.   Don’t get too excited… buying a set of watercolor paints was as adventurous as I got this week.  Actually using them will be next week’s thrill.   

A Tribute To My First Mini-Relationship

As it turns out, This Dater went from dating to a full-blown relationship pretty quickly.  This Guy and I ended up spending more and more time together, had the “are we exclusive??” talk, left a toothbrush at each other’s apartment, and even spent a weekend away together.  There were so many wonderful things about This Guy and I learned a lot about what a relationship can be like.  In the end, This Guy felt better as a friend than a boyfriend, so that was that. 

A few lessons learned:

Nice guys do exist.  Nice guys give compliments genuinely, not just because they want to get into your pants.  And the best kind of compliments are about who you are as a person, rather than what you look like or what you are wearing.

Being honest with your feelings is pretty cool.  There were several times with This Guy where something didn’t sit right with me and I said it out loud to him, instead of holding onto it or complaining about it to one of my friends (truth, so there was still some complaining to the friends - progress, not perfection!).

Expressing your feelings doesn’t mean you always get what you want.  Sometimes it went like this - - Me: “Hey This Guy, it bugs me when you do blah.”  This Guy: “Oh ok, I’m sorry that bugs you, but I’m probably going to keep doing blah.”  Relationships are about deciding what blahs you can live with, and what blahs are deal-breakers. 

Breaking up with someone is hard.  Deciding to end things with This Guy was difficult, and actually ending things took longer than it probably should have.  He was my first taste of really nice and really into me, and part of saying goodbye was dealing with the fear of “what if I never find someone like This Guy again.” 

The only person who can validate you is you.  Within five seconds of ending things with This Guy I had called, emailed, or texted three people for support.  “Tell me I’m not a bad person.” “Tell me I did the right thing.” “Tell me I won’t be single forever.”  Even though my support people said the right supportive things, I had to come to grips with the fact that I did what was best for me, and there ain’t no shame in that game.    

So what’s next for This Dater?  More dating!  I learned so much during my mini-relationship with This Guy, not just about what I want and don’t want in a future partner, but also about areas I still need to work on.  I’m excited to get back out there again and continue learning and living This Dater's Life.