Sometimes I Date Slow, Sometimes I Date Quick...

Before I sat down to write, I was thinking this was going to be all about how slow sometimes things move in the early stages of dating, and how grateful I am for this slowness even though it’s kind of annoying.  But the truth is it has been a little over a week since my last post and I’ve seen This Guy twice, so I guess things aren’t actually going that slow.  Perhaps I’m used to warp speed  (followed either by crash and burn or by instant relationship) so maybe this – seeing each other once a week – is “normal.”  Maybe getting to know someone by talking to them instead of getting to know the inside of their mouth through a booze fueled make-out session is the way to go.  Maybe going back to your respective apartments alone after a goodnight kiss rather than awkwardly having to say “um, I have an early meeting, but I guess you can sleep over if you want” is a perfect way to test out if you actually want to see someone again, and to find out if they want to see you again. 

Here are the annoying parts about going slow.  The time between dates – even if only a few days – can feel like a century.   Because I am a woman and even my best efforts sometimes result in a pit stop in crazy town, a few days of slow dating can result in a downward spiral of overthinking… “Do I still like him… does he still like me… is he dating other people… is it ok that I don’t want to date other people… kissing is nice but what if I want a tiny bit more, what should I do, what should I DO!!!?”

And here are the good parts about going slow.  I haven’t made any decisions so far that I regret.  While it may be hard to wait for stuff to happen, I have not left any date with This Guy having done anything I wasn’t 100% comfortable with.  Letting things happen slowly also allows for anticipation to build.  I get really excited about dates with This Guy.  We flirt and it’s fun.  I walk away from each date wanting just a little bit more, and wondering what will happen on the next date.  And – surprise, surprise – through all the talking, I actually know stuff about This Guy.  I know what some of his family traditions are, I know his middle name, I know what his dream job is, and I know some of the things he’s scared of. 

I do however think there needs to be a point when the slow dating picks up speed, once a week for a long period of time isn’t going to cut it for what I’m looking for out of a relationship right now.  I am also scared that slow dating has the potential to be a sure-fire road to the friend zone.  But because I can still count the number of dates with This Guy on one hand, I don’t think it’s wise to make that call just yet.

I hadn’t even realized this until just now, but my discomfort with slow dating may in fact be leftover garbage from my recent long-term relationship.  I’m used to having someone there all the time to call, not really thinking about what my weekend is going to look like, and not worrying about what kind of naked party would or would not be happening.  And this part of dating – this slow dating - is definitely throwing me off my game a little!  Just enjoying the dating ride is honestly something I thought I would be better at, or at least more prepared for.  But hey, going on dates, feeling that sense of anticipation, making out (which seems to disappear when dating turns into a relationship, am I wrong?), and most importantly having no regrets is something I can definitely be down with for a little while longer.  I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to move into the fast lane – either with This Guy or with someone else – but for now, This Dater is setting the cruise control to slow and steady. 

Take That, 35!

Guess what has been happening in This Dater’s Life lately?  No dates!  But lots of life.  First things first, I turned my scary age, 35.  And no, I didn’t wake up with forty thousand new wrinkles and my reproductive organs did not fall out.  I spent the weekend with my mom in my “happy place” – a beautiful hotel in upstate New York.  I also coincidentally spent my 34^th birthday in this same place… alone – unless you count alcohol and chocolate cake as guests.  Having a birthday usually comes with a little reflection and to be perfectly honest, 34 was a pretty crappy year.  There was unhappiness in my job, in my relationship, were I was living, and just about everything else in my life.  And self-medicating through various addictions was my way of coping. 

The last few months of 34 started my healing process, but to me there is something about a birthday that makes things more official.  I feel so much happier and optimistic today – at 35 – than I have felt in years.  35 no longer feels like my scary age, it just feels like MY age.  And damn it, 35 is going to be MY year.  It’s not that I think 35 is the year I’m going to find true love, get my dream job, or fulfill all my hopes and dreams.  What I mean is that 35 is the year I’m in the driver's seat, I get to make decisions that contribute to my happiness, and say no to things that don’t.  And if there happens to be career success or love along the way, well that’s just great.      

So what does This Dater do when not dating?  I live!  This week I re-joined a book club after a few month hiatus.  I was hesitant about returning because – while all of the women I had met previously are wonderful – the book club was more about wine than discussing a book.  Once again I learned that I can participate in social situations where drinking is a presumed natural activity and not drink.  And once again I learned that no one seems to care or even notice.  When I think about it logically, if the situation were reversed and I was in a group where someone said, “oh no thanks, I’ll just have club soda,” I would probably be like, “cool, whatever,” and not like, “OMG what is wrong with you!  Don’t you like to have fun?  Are you an alcoholic!!!???”

The other thing I did this weekend had nothing to do with tempting situations, but did produce some pre-activity anxiety.  A few weeks ago I signed up for a volunteer organization called New York Cares, which is a platform for bringing together hundreds of different types of activities all around the city.  My first activity was yesterday – helping Autistic kids with arts and crafts.  I have no experience with Autism, so I wasn’t sure what to expect and I was nervous.  These kids were more amazing and inspiring than I could have ever been prepared for.  It’s true what they say about volunteering – you often walk away having received far more than you’ve actually given. 

Wondering what’s on the agenda for This Dater this week?  Me too!  Another volunteer activity on Wednesday, this time helping women that live in a shelter do some beadwork and jewelry making.  And Friday night is foreign film night with book club women.  Other than that, maybe a spin class?  Maybe some yoga?  Who knows.  But what I do know – I’m 35, this is MY year, and I get to do what I want!